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I will never forget the “bush” story that my coworker, Mike, told me fourteen years ago.He was about 28 and was married to a cute blonde named Melanie who was his age. At a previous job, he had worked with a 55 year old southern woman, Evelyn, who was concerned after seeing a female swimsuit calendar on another guy’s desk. She discreetly came into Mike’s office and shut the door. Imitating what I now think of as a Paula Deen-like accent, (from The Food Network) Mike relayed his conversation with his co-worker.
“Mike, does Melanie have a big patch or a little patch?”
“She’s not a pirate, Evelyn.” He told her.
“No, not that kind of patch.” She said. Then she lowered her voice to a whisper and continued. “The patch of grass down there.” She said, as she pointed to her lap.
Do you remember these guys from the show Emergency! Well, I thought they were cute as a girl, and as a Fit After Thirty woman I still think they’re cute. But as a mom, the idea of paramedics takes on a whole new meaning than cute guys to ogle in their tight blue pants. My worst fear is that paramedics would one day have to be called to my house because of a health or safety risk to one of my kids. But if it were to happen, I’d like to know that I was prepared to do whatever I needed to help my kids before the paramedics arrived.
So let’s talk CPR - what every mother hopes she will never have to perform on her children, or anyone else’s.
Cardiopulmonary resuscitation is done when a child is not breathing (respiratory arrest) and the heart has stopped beating (cardiac arrest). Doing CPR may help start the child’s breathing and heart beating again. If you start CPR early and do it correctly you may prevent an infant or child from dying.
When a child’s heart stops, brain death begins between 4-6 minutes later, and the chances that the ambulance will arrive before that is unlikely, so every parent should be prepared to administer lifesaving support.
Remember the Seinfeld episode about “shrinkage” where George worries about whether women know that a man’s anatomy reacts like a “frightened turtle” after he’s been in cold water, because a woman saw him naked right after he went swimming? “I was in the pool!” He shouted.
A few years ago, I discovered the female equivalent to that scenario. A friend set me up on a blind date with a good friend of her husband’s. Because he was a trusted friend of theirs I did not mind him picking me up at my apartment. Gotta love chivalry! He arrived smelling very good and looking even better. He was slightly early, so I still had two loads of clean laundry in a basket on my couch that I had not had time to put away. I invited him in and quickly ran to the other room for my sweater.
As I was headed back down the hall, my eye caught the laundry basket long enough for me to notice a horrific site. I had left my “FrumpSista” panties, as I call them, in plain sight, prominently exposed on top of the heap of clean laundry!
You know the panties I’m talking about, right? Not quite as bad as granny panties, but almost. The pair that you bought in a three for five bucks package from the TJ Maxx close out bin, that you only wear during your period when you have to wear a pad and need the wide crotch to wrap the wings around? That pair. The most boring, lace free, unfeminine pair of panties ever known to womankind. The panties with the “frills kills” attitude that all other lacy briefs and sexy thongs refuse to associate with in the underwear drawer. The pair that never saw the inside of a Victoria’s Secret store even in their infancy; and in their wildest dreams, aren’t even a distant third cousin of Victoria.
I want to give a shout out and commend a really cool group of Fit After Thirty, f.a.t* chicks, that are doing some amazing work to help raise money to find a cure for breast cancer. It seems like everyone has been touched by cancer in some way, and I think it is really great to see women band together on such an important mission. Watch, the video it says it all.
Boobs on the Move® is a team of 26 moms, sisters and friends, and one ‘MAN’ Boob, dedicated {four years walking} to raising money and awareness for The Breast Cancer 3-Day and Susan G. Komen For The Cure. They are a conscious-minded organization who cares about families, and women’s health.
In 2007 Boobs on the Move contributed over $40,000 to the San Diego Breast Cancer 3-Day. Their goal in 2008 is $60,000. Good luck ladies, you have our support!!!
You know how sometimes you’ll hear a news story that you know must be a joke, and so you do a reality check in your mind on what day of the year it is to verify whether it’s April Fool’s Day?
And after said reality check, when you realize it’s nowhere near April 1st, you seek out the original source to see if it falls into the category of credible, or if instead, it came from one of those spoof web sites? (And you hope it did, because you hate the story so much that you don’t want it to be true)
Well, that happened to me last night. And after it happened, I had to chug a glass of wine and contemplate my increasing loss of faith in humanity, and my burgeoning suspicion that half of my own gender might be certifiably insane. Are you ready to hear the story? Get your wine and have a seat.
I’m not a big believer in faking the big “O”, because it’ll only encourage more of what ain’t workin’. BUT who hasn’t loved Meg Ryan for pulling off the hottest non-sexual, sex scene in any movie, with her fake orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally?
But that’s not enough to make her my female f.a.t.ty (f.a.t. hotty) pick of the week. Not only is she fit, and still beautiful - in spite of sporting the overdone fish lips now and then - but she seems so down to earth, fun, and funny.
She seems very comfortable in her own skin - not trying to relive her twenties, but embracing this stage of her life. and even taking on the responsibility of raising an adopted child. She’s also done work for CARE in India which works on empowering women in poor countries.
A few weeks ago, I talked to a friend who was explaining that her waning motivation to eat as healthfully as she probably should, stemmed from her genetics allowing her to stay fairly thin without really trying that hard. She also said that her love of comfort foods always seemed to override her desire to eat leafy greens.
“Unfortunately, macaroni and cheese and Hamburgers are more comforting than a plate of spinach.” She said.
Ever the smart ass, I said, “I wonder if cancer and heart disease will be more comforting than longevity and vitality.”
After giving me her best “Die, bitch!” look, she informed me that something that might happen far into the future wasn’t enough to motivate her, and I realized that this is probably the reason why most Americans still are not consuming the recommended daily intake of fruits and vegetables. It’s just too far off to impact most people’s daily decisions. But if you want to be a Fit After Thirty Hotty, consumption of your veggies is a necessity.
You can’t watch entertainment news lately without seeing pregnant celebrity after pregnant celebrity. From Halle Berry to Nicole Kidman, to Gwen Stefani, Tori Spelling, Brooke Burke, and Salma Hayek. If they aren’t pregnant than they’ve just delivered and it seems that somehow they all look great very soon after delivering. How could this be?
A lot of my mom friends and pregnant friends have been asking me to write an article on how to lose the baby weight.
In the world of health and fitness, doctors talk a lot about prevention. Everyone’s mom has probably told her “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” With crime, it is no different.
When I’ve attended Trish’s safety seminars for women, I love that she tries to get them to think about their safety in terms of prevention first and foremost.
If we do things to protect our body and health to prevent disease, disability, and destruction of ourselves by eating right, wearing our seatbelt, and not smoking, we should apply the same principal of prevention to our personal safety.
You know what the best thing about writing a blog is? When you’re going out on a Saturday night and don’t have time to write an article, you can post something written by someone else that was sent to you by one of your readers! This is one of those chain emails that is going around on the web, but I thought it would resonate with all of our readers. When I read it, I felt that it pretty much describes me and every woman I know!
Here it is:
Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.’
So - if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle.
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I will never forget the “bush” story that my coworker, Mike, told me fourteen years ago. He was about 28 and was married to a cute blonde named Melanie who was his age. At a previous job, he had worked with a 55 year old southern woman, Evelyn, who was concerned after seeing a female swimsuit calendar on another guy’s desk. She discreetly came into Mike’s office and shut the door. Imitating what I now think of as a Paula Deen-like accent, (from The Food Network) Mike relayed his conversation with his co-worker.
