Ladies, Since my post about my left Saggy Maggie I’ve gotten emails from enough of you about all of your misshapen mangos that I feel that I am in good company with my own tata deformity, not to mention, happy that I am not nearly the genetic mutant I thought I was.

But the article brought to light some other concerns. I learned from a lot of your emails that many of you are not even wearing sports bras at all when you exercise, let alone a quality one! I had no idea that there were still women bopping through aerobics class with their flimsy  $8.00 sale bin special from Marshall’s. Nothing against Marshall’s. I love the store. But ladies, what are you thinking?  Even Marshall’s carries a good sports bra or two. No excuses!

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I just read about a new thing that allows you to use your iPhone to watch workouts as you do them. I can’t decide if I think this is cool, or totally lame. I think I’m leaning toward lame. Here’s how it works. A company called PumpOne makes portable videos. They team up with the fitness experts at Men’s Health magazine to create step by step exercise routines and they film fitness models doing them. 

Enter you, the customer. These routines walk you through what exercise to do and how to do it properly. You pay ten bucks per routine, download them on your iPhone, and Voila! You are an instant morphing of Steve Jobs and Denise Austin - a trend setting, gadget guru, walking, talking, lunging, squatting, fitness fanatic.

Why am I having a hard time being positive about this? Oh yeah, because I am a late tech adopter and resist and fear technology like it’s a bad case of the runs. But let’s think through this in an open-minded fashion.

I just don’t understand when and how people will be using it. (That was my attempt at being open minded.)

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I’ve always been an electronic gadget late bloomer. I tend to be a good couple of years behind everyone else when it comes to new technology adoption. The reasons are varied but most of the time it is due to one of the following: ignorance, stubbornness, perceived lack of need,  or lack of funds.

So when everyone I knew was running around with IPODs and MP3 players strapped to their bodies like they were miniature colostomy bags they needed in order to survive, I resisted the trend for all four of those reasons. Hell, it took me a couple years of  MP3’s existence to realize people weren’t talking about a new Star Wars movie character. What? R2D2 has a cousin? Does C-3PO know about this? Seriously folks, I am the technology straggler of all time!

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The other day  a friend commented on the dorky looking glasses women wear while working out, and suggested we write a piece on some of the feminine looking eyewear options available. I got stuck on the dorky part.

 “What do you mean by dorky?” I asked.

 “You know”, she said. “Those big goofy athletic and masculine looking ones with the weird lenses.”

 I gave her a blank look, so she continued with the optical descriptions and observations.

The more she talked, the more it sounded like she was getting dangerously close to describing my favorite BluBlocker infomercial-bought shades from 1990.

 “Are you still married to those things?” She asked.

 “No, but we are seriously dating, and practically engaged.” I responded.

 “You should break up.” She said without missing a beat.

 “They block the blue rays!” I answered defensively.

“Well, you know what else they block? They block the man rays. You are much too cute and much too single to be wearing those in public.” She scolded.

 “Well sometimes I mix it up with my other ones when I play beach volleyball.” I explained.

 “You mean those Cory Hart-tribute shades you go around in?”

“My black Ray Bans?” I asked. “No, I only wear those at night.” I winked. She got the joke.

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About six weeks ago, I noticed that my left boob sags slightly more than my right boob. I do not have implants nor any other high risk factors for developing lopsided Lulus, (pregnancy, breastfeeding, mutant ancestors). I did not know that disproportionate droop could happen to natural boobs, as I only associated this problem with Tara Reid, whose famous implants have been the focus of a lot of media attention.  I am also not really sure how long this has been going on with me. I’m assuming it has been a gradual process caused by years of wearing substandard sports bras.

At first, I wasn’t sure if I was imagining the uneven sag. I blamed it on my weird bathroom lighting. But after conducting highly scientific experiments in front of no less than 5 mirrors in my house with all variations of light – including natural sunlight through the spare bathroom window, and a flashlight in an otherwise pitch black room, (yes, really), I determined that indeed, left sista hangs unapologetically lower than her right sibling. There was no false assessment at play here. Angles, lighting, wall shadows ( I was hoping), bad eyesight – none of them qualified as reasonable explanations any longer, because indeed, my boobies are crooked.

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Whose idea was it to cram hard, plastic, inflexible round things into our ears while working out? Whomever it was obviously did not have small ear holes. Which is odd, considering everything electronic seems to be an invention of the Japanese, and they’re small people. Which brings me to my point. I am a small person. Perhaps my auditory orifices are proportionally sized to my petite stature, and therefore, the standard IPOD ear pieces are less comfortable for me than the average person. In fact, they hurt like hell. Read the rest of this entry »