Awhile back I asked the question about where our minds had gone, relative to a story about moms turning babies into living Barbies, but I think I now have the answer! Our minds have joined our periods in the world of non-existent. Yup. Our brains apparently joined the normal menstrual cycle on the oversized jetliner called the feminine pad (with the sticky wings) never to return.
So, everybody, it’s time to break out your journals. No, not your food diaries or exercise log; I’m talking about your Pure Insanity Journals in which you track all things that make you say, “has everyone gone certifiably mad?”
Okay, fine; you can start your journal today if you don’t already have one. And in it, you can add today’s post for your first entry. Write this down: Many women comply willingly to scientific community urging them to give up periods.
No, not the punctuation marks. You can still use a dot at the end of your sentences. I’m talking about periods as in those biologically natural monthly occurrences that make a woman a woman. Calm down, Monopausal Molly, I’m not spitting in the face of your femininity, I am merely making the point that the menstruation factor is a key component of being chromosomally XX rather than XY. And apparently, there are enough menstruating women who are tired of being XX and fed up with wearing period panties, that they’re ready to kiss their “monthly visitor” goodbye.
It’s kind of a chicken and egg thing. Did the loss of our brains cause us to be okay with letting science turn us into human lab rats, or is it the lack of our normal hormonal functions what caused our brains to go haywire enough to want to dress our babies like Carrie Bradshaw?
I don’t know which it is, but apparently, society hates women being women so much, that it wasn’t enough to give us options of two pills that can reduce periods to three days, and a third that can limit them to four times per year. They had to introduce a fourth that can delete them as easily as if they were just typos on your computer screen of life. One day it’s wings and torpedoes with strings, and the next it’s the ability to go commando 24/7, 30 days per month.
My God, didn’t we learn anything from the 2008 study that showed pill use in women undermines our ability to sniff out the right male pheromone match for ourselves? (Based on some of the men I chose to date while I was on it, I can vouch for the study’s accuracy!) So, if we tinker with nature anymore, are we all just going to turn into lesbians?
Have we become so tired of anything we label as an inconvenience that we demand it be erased from our lives, even if it is nature’s way of letting us know we’re the healthy, fertile beings we were meant to be? I’m not trying to go Ezekiel on you gals, but what are we going to let them do, turn us all into space aliens by the time it’s all said and done? Yes, I know, some of you bleed like stuck pigs every 28 days, and want out of your confining pens, called menstruation, but let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water. (High Heels and all!)
Ladies, I implore you not to do this. In addition to this flying in the face of good sense and not passing my “caveman test”, think of all you’ll be giving up:
Unacceptable Effects Of Eliminating Periods:
1. You will remove your free pass to be a bitch once a month due to PMS, which pretty much takes away your right to go ballistic on all the people you can’t stand.
2. You will no longer be able to blame having a puffy face in photos on “being bloated” because it’s “that time of the month”, which means you really WILL have to start doing my list of 10 Diet Resolutions.
3. You will forfeit the opportunity to truly know the depth of your boyfriend’s love for you, when he sees you in your period panties for the first time and still stays with you.
4. You will miss out on the creative fun of making up cool code phrases that substitute for “I’m on the rag”, like The Crimson Tide floweth, and Aunt Flo is visiting this week.
5. Tampax and Kotex will lose a ton of business, which will cause them to seek a Feminine Product Industry Government Bailout along with the car industry, which will fall to you, the taxpayer.
6. Advil and Motrin will lose a ton of business from fewer cramp-suffering women, which will cause them to seek an Anti-inflammatory Industry Government Bailout along with the Feminine Product Industry, which will fall to…….you get it.
7. You will lose the opportunity to call in sick to your male boss with no questions asked, when you say the phrase, “I can’t come in because I’m having “female issues.”
8. You will miss out on the chance to tell the annoying girl from work that you can’t go to her Pampered Chef party because your period just has you exhausted.
9. You will no longer get the sympathetic back and foot rub from your significant other who hates to see you in such discomfort.
10. You will completely abolish your right to dump the kid in your husband’s arms at a moment’s notice, and prance off to the bathtub for “me time”, with no rebuttal.
Bonus Reason Not To Wear The Pure Insanity Badge:
11. You’ll lose the “toiletries rule” as a gauge for whether your boyfriend is serious about you. (This is the rule that says if he lets you keep a box of tampons under his sink, he’s into you.)
