I have a bone to pick with the tabloids. Actually, a bag of bones. A bunch of scrawny, meatless bones. An entire newsstand full of brittle bones.

A few months ago, it seemed I couldn’t go to the grocery store without being bombarded at the check out stand with ten stories of “overweight” celebrity women. If it wasn’t a body bashing story about a female celebrity who had let herself go, then it was a story questioning whether a celebrity was pregnant because of a barely visible belly bump. When that got old it was an analysis of which stars had cellulite. 

Now it seems that all the exposure of “fat” stories had the predictable effect on young Hollywood women, because lately, the tabloids seem to have replaced the overweight stories, with tales of the dwindling sizes of the stars. It would seem that some actresses may have finally cracked under the pressure of the scrutiny and dieted themselves into paper dolls. Can’t you all just hear the editor now: “Cool; now we have something new to criticize them for! Let’s label them all with eating disorders; that’ll sell a lot of magazines!”

A recent story in US Weekly about two of the stars on the new 90210 show, raised eyebrows about their increasingly diminishing bodies. It does seem that Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup have gotten skinnier, but for those that truly have an eating disorder, putting them on the cover of a magazine only fuels the fire. Anorexics will thrive on the attention their waif-like figures attract, because it gives them a feeling that they’ve been successful at controlling the one thing they are able to, in their world, which is their weight.  Not to mention, even when the headline criticizes the gaunt appearance of these women, young female readers only receive one message - the bonier the better. 

It seems like these actresses that the tabloids shame about their weight are increasingly younger. Lately, a lot of them are in their teens. Famous or not, most teenage girls already have a warped body image and a hyper-obsession with their looks. Add to that, being an actress in the public eye in a city where the contents of their Starbucks order is tabloid newsworthy and where physical beauty reigns king, and you have the makings of a girl with the fat to bones ratio of Adrian Brody’s character in The Pianist.

I say to all of the tabloid editors out there, I think you could be doing a better job of sending the message to young Hollywood that there is nothing sexy or healthy about looking like a Holocaust victim enduring starvation in Nazi Germany. It’s called the maximum bone protrusion rule, and it works like this. Any model or actress with more than one knobby, emaciated bone protruding from her skeletal frame does not make it into the magazine, does not receive publicity, does not get a headline, does not pass GO, and does not collect $200. And instead, she is replaced by photos of sexier, fitter, curvier women who embody health. (And life, for that matter).

Editors, hear me out on this one. Think of the broad sweeping benefits of implementing such an editorial mandate. 

1. Actresses will be forced to eat to get what they are dying for (literally), which is publicity and attention. (Eating will be a win for them)

2. This eating will require the purchasing of food, which will help our struggling economy. (A win for all of us)

3. The improved economy will make it so people can afford to buy tabloids again. (A win for you, Mr. Tabloid Editor)

4. Meanwhile, the newly fed female celebrities will have enjoyed getting back in the magazines after passing the maximum bone protrusion test, so they will continue eating more. This will allow them to achieve a normal body weight, thereby setting a better example for young girls everywhere. (A win for formerly hungry celebrity girls and non-celebrity girls).

5. Their reinstatement into rag mag heaven will cause some of the female celebrities to joyously eat even more, which may cause some to develop the aforementioned belly bump, which is no more than the natural curve of their abdomen, but nonetheless, it will be irresistible to the Paparazzi, thus supplying you, the editors, with material for future body bashing stories about celebrity weight gain. (A win for you).

See how it comes full circle?

“Circle” as in bagels, donuts, lifesavers, pizza, cookies, pancakes…… Are you getting the message, Young Hollywood Teen? It’s time to eat now. And Paparazzi Man, just so you know, you don’t have to photograph every last bite of her every meal. We’ll actually just trust that her healthy weight gain involved the consumption of food.