In my previous post about kegel exercises, Turn Your Vagina Into A Vice Grip, I gave you an overview of kegels for fitness. I’m glad you all liked the article. But don’t wake me when I’m dreamin’, people; I was just gettin’ started!

I hate to keep beating a dead vagina, but it’s time to talk Kegels once again, because we barely touched the surface the first time. (Those muscles really are hidden and buried nowhere near the surface). This time though, I think I am going to be anointed Super Relationship Saver for today’s Kegel wisdom. In fact, I’m having my graphic designer draw up the monogram that will adorn my chest, right after I write this.

I hear a lot of men complain about their low libido-women, and how women are just not giving “it” to them enough.  I would tend to assume that this is due to the man’s emotional disengagement, and a reduction of romantic gestures they put forth when the relationship was young, if it weren’t for one thing. I hear a lot of women complaining of their own low interest in sex. Certainly men’s laziness in the relationship could account for some of the low female sex drives in the world, but not every man can be lazy and disengaged in the relationship, can he? (Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt).

Of course, there are many reasons for a woman’s lack of sex drive which I can address in another article, but the fact is, men want their women to initiate more sex and a lot of women just don’t feel like it. Well guess what? There’s a reason for this. Studies confirm that women’s sexual desire is usually more of a receptive type of desire. What this means is that it is often triggered by thoughts and emotions arising during sexual excitement, not before. I’m channeling some cranky *f.a.t. reader’s voice right now. I hear her saying, “that’s nice, bitch, but if I’m not in the mood for him to be touching me, then how would I get sexually excited enough to trigger my receptive desire?” Good question, Cranky *f.a.t. Reader.

The answer is best answered with a question: Does a needle want to sew, unless it’s threaded? No, it does not. (I asked it). So, think of your vag as the needle, your kegels as the thread, and sex as the sewing! So you need to thread your needles, girls! (Now you all have a code phrase you can use around the water cooler with your girlfriends. “I have to go back to my desk and thread my needle.”)

Consider my point, if you will, in terms of men. Not the needle part, (though it’s a nice, unintended metaphor for their wankers), but the desire part. Men don’t want sex at every moment; (just about), but in those few rare occasions when they aren’t thinking about it or consciously desiring it, they can’t help but be reminded of it soon enough, because that thing is just dangling there like a dirty reminder of what they didn’t do yet today.

It’s right there bopping around, hangin’ out, getting in the way, winkin’ at them, getting caught in zippers and things and basically just making a nuisance of itself begging to be noticed. How are men going to not be in the mood all the time with that thing bouncing between their legs? It’s there! It’s ever apparent. Even when their sword isn’t ready for battle, they merely brush up against the handle and its a call to arms!

Our mighty motivator, however, is not so prominent and protrusional, so it takes more proactive reminders on our part to have the same effect. But, just a little prompting, is all it takes. And that prompting comes in the form of what? Yup! You guessed it, Cheerful *f.a.t. Reader - Kegels! (Cranky *f.a.t. Reader got mad and left when I answered her question with a question two paragraphs ago).

Ladies, doing Kegels is like stretching before your workout. It primes you. It gets you ready. It makes you realize, yeah, this is going to be a great workout; I’m glad I got my butt off the couch, because I can’t wait to feel my heart pumping  (In the case of kegels, you’ll be thinking of other things pumping). Think about it this way. Sometimes you have to pump to hump. (I hear a t-shirt slogan begging to be printed. Anyone?)

In other words, you can do Kegels for the sole purpose of turning yourself on! Yes, they are great as a form of training to keep your pelvic floor muscles strong. But they are also wonderful for mere foreplay you give your self. Used one way, they are the fire (your main vag workout). Used another way, they are like striking the match to start the fire. (Before the grillin’ man ever even gets there to cook the meat).

Kegels can be your own private little aphrodisiac. Think of Kegel exercises as your prep step in the process of love. Kegels are God’s gift to you and your clitoris. Kegels are your silent reminder that your own tiny, Tony The Tiger is purring for her little head to be patted.  They are the beckoning of your birthright - the orgasm that awaits them (and you) on the other side. They can be the quiver that gives you the desire to shiver, if you’ll just let them! Kegels can in fact, be the whisper that reminds you that your private, unobtrusive wonderland is really a wander land and that it’s time to let someone in, to mosey and hear the secrets it tells. 

So go forth, my Fair *f.a.t. Maidens, and thread your needles! Thread away! Thread away! Because sewing just doesn’t happen without a threaded needle. And contrary to what you may have heard, men really do like to sew! Thread, my darlings. Thread.