Written By: Jennifer Bussell
I used to love me. I was athletic all of my life. I looked good. I felt good. I can reflect with pride on a childhood full of field day ribbons, teen years filled with multiple team sports trophies, and cheerleading squad photographs, in which my body was nothing less than rock solid.
My pride extends into early adulthood achievements such as police academy graduation (top of my class in physical fitness!), successful hiking excursions, waterskiing weekends, and dance floor “marathons”. Childhood friends still remind me of my athletic physique, and my “sexy” legs. Despite the “thoroughbred” nickname, I loved those legs.
Why have I fallen “out of love” with myself? Since giving birth to three amazing children over the past 8 years (two of which shared the womb so gracefully), the list of apparent tolls on my body has grown: weight gain, weight loss, greater weight gain, even greater weight loss, umbilical hernia, gall bladder removal, Rheumatoid Arthritis, asthma, depression, anxiety, blah blah BLAH! Looming above me now is my disappointing and obvious lack of athleticism.
As I approach my 39th birthday, I am overwhelmed by the thought that I don’t think I love me anymore. I love my husband. I love my children. I live for them. I’d die for them. I’d give up everything for them…and I may have done just that. It’s my own fault, I know. By choice, I’ve sacrificed healthy foods, healthy drinks, regular exercise, time for myself, time with my friends, and dare I mention – SLEEP! Is it too late to regain what I’ve lost? Can I love myself again?
It has taken me weeks to find my answer, since first asking myself this question at the beginning of the new year. But found it, I did. And I mean, I’ve REALLY found the answer. I may be a woman who is married almost 12 years, with 3 kids, about to turn 39, a bit overweight, a lot under paid, consistently interrupted, not perfectly organized, and, well, just plain not perfect.
But I’ve got a hot date – this February 14th, 2009 to be exact. After the Little League practice, the extended-family luncheon, the laundry, and the kids’ Valentine exchange; after I see my husband off to work, and I’ve fixed the children their dinner, given them their baths, and read the bedtime stories; after l kiss each child gently as they fall asleep, text my husband a “naughty” little message to let him know I’m thinking of him, I have a date with myself. I will put my favorite sexy nightie on (that was long ago relegated to the back of my undies drawer after convincing myself I was ten pounds shy of earning the right to wear it). I will put on my favorite music, make myself a cup of hot tea, and curl up with my favorite afghan and a pen and paper….. and in that mindset, with me as the focus, I will devise a new plan for myself; the first line of which will read: I love you, sexy Jen!
–Jennifer Bussell is a freelance writer and Fit After Thirty contributor living in Southern California.
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I’m so happy you love yourself. I have been married only 2 years and I have 2 kids. I find myself giving up Me in order to provide what I feel my husband and sons need. What they really need is a better me. I am constantly working on Me and realized in order to be entirely complete I need to include ME into the mix. Enjoy your night with yourself.