By: Jennifer Bussell

My Valentine’s “date” with myself went off without a hitch for the most part. The first part of the day was hectic, but fun. Chatting over breakfast with close friends was enjoyable.  The casual lunch and birthday celebration with our cousin’s family included memorable “Kodak moments”, and TO DIE FOR chocolate cake.  In the evening, the children collapsed into slumber with smiles on their faces.  While my husband was working, I DID send him that naughty little text…and he returned the sentiments, gratefully. 

So, then it was “me time”. I curled up into bed wearing my little “nightie”, with my journal, my soothing hot tea, and…….my NyQuil. There is something about a congested, sniffling mommy, alone in bed on Valentine’s night that seems so……..unsexy. (But how can I begrudge my children for so lovingly sharing their germs with Mommy right before Valentine’s Day?)

So what is it that I wished to accomplish on this night?  Maybe most women wouldn’t have spent Valentine’s Day alone in bed, trying to find answers to questions that they haven’t yet had the guts to ask. 

Probably. 

Very likely. 

Almost certainly. 

But there I was, writing about what I want for me: I want to feel sexy again! And the question I was either too busy, or too afraid to ask myself up until now, is why don’t I feel sexy anymore?  I need to figure out how I can feel sexy, not just in my husband’s eyes, but in my own eyes.

I think my definition of “sexy” has changed over time.  At age 18, sexy was my exterior marketability – my muscle tone and flat abs, my sun-kissed skin, my big beautiful 80’s hair (HA!  Yes, I admit it…I thought my 80’s hair was SEXY), and my smile. My SEXY SMILE. It was the smile of a girl who could attract the boys.

At age 25, sexy became the delicate balance of my independence versus dependence. I wanted to prove my willingness to work hard on my own, while at the same time, carefully revealing my feminine inside, and my need for a partner in life, without appearing needy.  I wanted to be someone’s good wife, but I didn’t want to be weak. My SEXY SMILE at that point, was the proud smile of a self reliant young woman who could make her own way in the world. It was the smile of a girl who knew what she wanted.

By age 34, the SEXY SMILE was the smile of a doting mother. My focus had turned to devoting my body, mind and soul unselfishly and completely to the fruits of our conceptions:  pregnancies, deliveries, breastfeeding, endless cuddling, and consistent nurturing of three children.  And if I could accomplish these selfless acts WHILE smiling, AND allowing my wonderful husband some liberties such as extra sleep, a weekend with the guys, or a football Sunday without complaint - well then that was just plain SUPER SEXY. My smile then, was that of a woman who had achieved the great task of pleasing everyone in her life.

So, in a few weeks I will be 39 years old, and I had to ask myself, “What makes me sexy NOW”?   Is it my exterior?  Is it my feminine inside?  Is it my need for my partner, or my devotion to my children?  Maybe it is all of the above?  I’m definitely not the same wife I was 5 years ago. I will be honest and admit that the phrases “YOU get up with the kids, “SCREW the boys night out”, and “oh JOY – football”, have spilled forth from my mouth – maybe more than once. Maybe “sexy” is my willingness to speak my mind.

Hell, if all of the above makes a 39 year old woman sexy, then I should be smiling all day long. Where did my SEXY SMILE go? Shouldn’t I be smiling through my 38th year, in recognition of this new phase of sexy?

Here’s the deal.  I can be sexy in a number of different ways to the outside world, but how do I feel sexy again?  I think maybe it starts with with the simple things. 

I can rock a pair of sweats and a ponytail at 8am elementary school flag salute…….

But maybe if I actually showered and bothered to do my hair and makeup each day, I’d smile more and feel better about myself.

I can fill my days with balancing a basket full of laundry on one hip, and three sippy cups, two ball caps, one pair of dirty socks, a stray Power Ranger and Hannah Montana guitar on the other. And that’s cool….

But maybe if I juggled my morning routine to include leaving my husband with a deep, and passionate kiss, he’d come home at night wanting more of me, which would feed that sensual side of who I am, (the side that every woman loses a bit when she becomes “mom”).

I can  whip up Minnie Mouse pancakes, heart-shaped sandwiches, chicken dinosaurs and “ants on a log” at the snap of any one of my children’s fingers. I can make a mean macaroni and cheese casserole, or pizza disguising all the “gross” healthy stuff my kids would refuse to eat if not hidden in something else….

But if I took the time to plan a few adult meals each week for my husband and I to share with a glass of wine, after the kids went to bed, I’d most certainly reconnect with that romanic part of me, which is so intertwined with feeling sexy. Not to mention, it would make my husband feel more special in the process, as well. And he too, is so much more sexy when he smiles. So, that’s where I’ll begin. 

I know these may not be the monumental dieting and fitness feats that some might have expected I’d start with, on my road back to SEXY, but hell - a glass of wine, a piece of chocolate for dessert, and an orgasm followed by good night’s sleep next to my husband may just be the perfect way to push my motivation for all those other things - into full gear. I’ll let you know.