I used to play softball with a couple who had been in a long term relationship for years, without ever having tied the knot. Every year as Valentine’s Day would approach, the hopeless romantic in her was certain that her patience would be rewarded with a marriage proposal. The freedom lover-permanence hater in him came through with flowers every year. The kind that live for awhile and then die and get thrown away. Oh, right; that’s all flowers. And that also described all his relationships, most of which looked like this:

I knew the guy loved her, to the extent that he was capable, but I also knew love never ran as deeply through his veins as it did for most other men I knew, and that he found it quite easy to walk away from relationships. 

Of course, she never listened to me when I tried to explain my theory that some men just aren’t “wired” for commitment, and if she wanted to be married, she should cut bait sooner rather than later, and find a guy who is.

She psychoanalyzed his entire childhood and early adult life to come up with evidence to support her wishful thinking belief that he had all the “building blocks of a guy who would want to be a husband”. After all, his parents were still happily married, he had no problem keeping his other commitments in life, and he wasn’t the cheating type. 

“It’s in his DNA; walk away” I would tell her. This was always brushed aside as a silly theory and met by other friends with references to the book He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. All that did for my friend was convince her to try harder to make him more into her. 

I knew the guy loved her to the extent that he was capable, but I also knew love didn’t run as deeply through his veins as it did for most other men I knew, and that he found it quite easy to walk away from relationships. He’s not that into anyone, I would tell her.

It wasn’t until a study came out last year, that my friend was convinced. The study suggests that there could be a genetic variation of a receptor that plays an integral role in vasopressin’s influence on the brain, which affects bonding. 

I love studies, and I’m not knocking them, but did we really need a study to tell us that where one man is lacking in an area, there are hundreds more who are not, so we should just go get ourselves one of those? The bottom line is, that regardless of the reason or cause, if you aren’t getting your big needs met by your boyfriend, it might be time to consider moving on.  

So, ladies, since life is short, if you can see yourself in the comic strip, and if you are, once again, using this year’s Valentine’s Day gift from your man as a barometer to measure his commitment to you, I say toss him out with the dead flowers, get yourself a box of chocolates to get through the depression, and start exploring other options!

If you are one of the millions of women who is hoping for a proposal

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/booster_shots/2008/09/some-men-carry.html